Issue 1

Reports are for lawyers. Releases are for neighbors.

Practical PIO analyzes real social media posts to help you improve your communications. All identifying details are blurred or removed because our goal is growth, not criticism.

You’re writing a release about a fatal crash. The report is sitting in front of you, full of details. It’s tempting to just... use that language. But here’s the thing: reports are for lawyers. Releases are for neighbors.

Screenshot of a social media post with the text Press Release - Fatality Traffic Collision

Full text

Here’s the full text so you can follow along (or in case the image doesn’t load):

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

[City] Man Dies After Motorcycle Collides with Passenger Car

On [Date] at approximately [Time 1], [Jurisdiction 1] Officers responded to the [approximate street address] to a report of a collision between a white in color, 2021 Toyota Corolla and a red in color, 2024 Kawasaki ZR9 motorcycle.

[Jurisdiction 2] EMS arrived first on scene and began attempting lifesaving measures on the operator of the motorcycle just prior to the arrival of [Jurisdiction 1] Police Officers and [Jurisdiction 1] Firefighters.

The operator of the motorcycle was identified as [Name 1], [Age] of [City]. [Name 1] was pronounced dead at the scene at [Time 2].

The driver of the white Toyota was identified as [Name 2], [Age], of [City]. [Name 2] was transported to [Hospital] in [City] by [Jurisdiction 2] EMS for minor injuries.

Initial details of the investigation appear that the white Toyota was traveling west on [Street 1] in the turning lane with the intent of turning south onto [Street 2]. The motorcycle, traveling eastbound on [Street 1], was unable to avoid the Toyota as it made the turn south onto [Street 2] and collided with the Toyota at the intersection of [Street 1] at [Street 2].

The investigation is ongoing currently. Potential charges will be determined upon completion of the investigation.

Assisting at the scene are [Jurisdiction 2] EMS, [Jurisdiction 1] Fire Department, and [Jurisdiction 2] Sheriff’s Office Deputies.

This is the second fatal collision in the City of [City] this year.

✅ What works well

✅ Headline hits the key information.

✅ The release contains who, what, when, where, why, and how (known as the 5Ws + H).

✅ The release never calls the incident an “accident.” There’s been a shift away from that terminology toward “collision” or “crash” to reinforce that such incidents are often preventable and not due to random chance.

✅ The status of the investigation is mentioned.

✅ Other agencies are mentioned.

✅ The news release ends with really good context that this was the second fatal collision of the year. This could easily be higher up in the release, and maybe gives more of a potential tie-in for a safety message or setting additional context. How can I prevent such a collision in the future? Is this amount of fatal collisions more than usual or less by this time of year?

🛠️ What could be improved

Big picture

🛠️ Make your release accessible to everyone. This news release is an image shared on social media. This isn’t accessible for someone on a phone or someone who uses a screenreader due to visual impairment. If you share an image of a news release, also include the full text in the post if possible. (This was Facebook, so it was possible.)

🛠️ Write for neighbors, not lawyers. The entire release sounds too much like a report, not a news release. Keep it focused on what the public needs to know, not every detail from the incident.

🛠️ Lead with what matters most. The release is chronological rather than following the “inverted pyramid” format. Put key information (who, what, when, why, where, how) in the first few paragraphs and save supporting details for later.

🛠️ Keep your narrative clear and simple. The paragraph describing what happened is long and confusing. Break complex information into shorter sentences that are easier to follow.

Nitty gritty

🛠️ Cut unnecessary details and redundancies. “White in color, 2021 Toyota Corolla” and “red in color, 2024 Kawasaki ZR9 motorcycle” each contain too much information—and a redundancy. If it’s white or red, we know it is a color. In reality, for a news release, “Toyota Corolla” or “small sedan” and “motorcycle” are probably sufficient.

🛠️ Use plain language. “The operator of the motorcycle” is probably legal terminology, but it’s a long way to say “motorcyclist.”

🛠️ Follow Associated Press (AP) Style for capitalization. “Officers” and “Firefighters” don’t need to be capitalized. If it’s not preceding a name, it should usually be lowercase. Follow Associated Press Stylebook guidelines.

🛠️ Watch for awkward phrasing. “Initial details of the investigation appear that” doesn’t make sense. Read your release out loud and rewrite it if something trips you up.

🛠️ Watch your verb tenses. The release changes from past tense to present tense at the very end, which introduces some confusion. If the crews were actively on scene, then present tense makes sense. The release could be clearer about that. (The release was posted on the same date as the incident.)

Practical PIO version

Here’s a version that repackages the incident information in more of a news release style that would be useful to citizens and news media. You can see how it simplifies the information and narrative and reads more like something you’d see from a journalist.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

[Jurisdiction 1] Police Department
[Date]

Motorcyclist dies in collision with car on [Street 1]

[CITY] — A motorcyclist died after a collision with a car at the intersection of [Street 1] and [Street 2] on [Date].

Emergency medical crews from [Jurisdiction 2] EMS arrived first and began lifesaving efforts. Despite their work, the motorcyclist, identified as [Name 1], [Age], of [City], was pronounced dead at the scene.

The driver of the car, [Name 2], [Age], of [City], was taken to [Hospital] with minor injuries.

Investigators believe the car was turning south onto [Street 2] from [Street 1] when it collided with the motorcycle, which was traveling east. The investigation remains open, and any potential charges will be determined when the investigation is complete.

Assisting agencies included [Jurisdiction 2] EMS, [Jurisdiction 1] Fire Department, and [Jurisdiction 2] Sheriff’s Office.

This is the second fatal collision in [City] this year. The [Jurisdiction 1] Police Department encourages drivers to watch carefully for motorcycles, especially when turning or changing lanes.

Notice that I’ve added a brief safety reminder at the end to give the release a community service angle and show that the department cares about prevention, not just response.

What would you have done differently? Hit reply and let me know—I read every email.

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